So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
this chia pet tastes awful
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD