If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.