My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
You Might Also Like
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
People buying plungers never look happy.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Sign of the day..
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience