My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
You Might Also Like
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.