*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Bread puns are on the rise!