Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”