My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.