My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him