I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
How it started How it’s going
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.