Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.