I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.