Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.