hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?