The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor