[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
? 💀
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet