Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
🤣😈🤣
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago