Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?