My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Well, this is awkward
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Had an epiphany today.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.