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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Barbie gone wild
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not