Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?