Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“I wouldn’t.”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
This is me
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.