Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You Might Also Like
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings