“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!