Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
#titanic
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean