Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary