“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
A bold strategy