Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I cannot call her anything else now
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.