I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Bobby pin
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
There’s no “us” in nachos.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there