After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.