[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.