Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
sleeping beauty
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is