me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“I’m helping” 😅
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What the dentist sees
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?