a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Incredible customer service.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Never ghost your hitman.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”