Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
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wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am