Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
He’s cranky this morning
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.