“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You Might Also Like
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.