Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985