Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.