I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed