[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
(by @ZachWeiner )
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.