kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Real House Wines.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’