How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.