Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
what the
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”