I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.