We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
NASA has no chill
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.