“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”