My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
You Might Also Like
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.