Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.