If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.