I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Sunday
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.